


he for sure just got rose to print him another copy that one doesnt “officially” exist either obviously were livin in the north korea of weird unsettling smut

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:49:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25381885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave shows Dirk something he made.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 119
Kudos: 233





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Made with homestuck5.com](http://www.homestuck5.com/)

DIRK: Holy hell you guys have a lot of Alternian romance novels.  
DAVE: yeah ill give you one guess who contributed those to the household  
DIRK: Was it you?  
DAVE: ok you get two guesses dont fuckin blow it this time you only get two shots two opportunities moms spaghetti etc  
DIRK: Was it Karkat?  
DAVE: ayy  
DIRK: Eminem would be so proud.  
DAVE: he sure would dude god rest his lil bleach headed soul  
DAVE: its not all karkats junk in here tho cant have you thinkin im illiterate i got some good additions of my own  
DAVE: oh man theres one im really fuckin proud of...  
DAVE: shit did karkat put it out yet come on come on  
DAVE: ohhh hell yes here it is  
DIRK: Oh sweet fuck, what is this beautiful monstrosity?  
DAVE: this towering pillar of achievement  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: is the complacency of ben stiller  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Oh my _god_.  
DAVE: i mean i wouldnt call it the greatest work of our times  
DAVE: but critics are insisting what can you do  
DIRK: You can't do a damn thing.  
DAVE: word  
DIRK: What is it exactly?  
DIRK: Is it based on Rose’s book?  
DAVE: i mean kinda  
DAVE: but a thousand times better  
DIRK: Damn.  
DAVE: ok so quick backstory  
DAVE: karkat pissed rose off once  
DAVE: i mean he did a lot it was always pretty funny  
DAVE: but this was one specific fateful time in particular when all the pissed off chakras and planets aligned and he questioned the quality of her writing  
DIRK: Oh fuck.  
DAVE: yeah dont ever do that btw not if you value not having weird vengeful smut written about you  
DIRK: That’s what she did?  
DAVE: haha yeah i mean a normal sane person mighta just like eaten all his beloved weird bug snacks  
DAVE: but rose is rose as you prolly caught on to by now  
DAVE: so instead she wrote like 30 pages of florid rage porn about me and him  
DIRK: Jesus.  
DIRK: That is fucking brutal.  
DAVE: yeah its some next level shit no mistake  
DAVE: it kinda backfired tho turned out karkat really liked it  
DAVE: while i an innocent bystander got fucking scarred for life cuz my sister wrote way too much about me gettin it on in the moonlight  
DAVE: the optimal amount of that happening is zero btw  
DIRK: Yeah, I can understand that.  
DIRK: So what... you got it bound to one-up her?  
DIRK: That’s not a bad move.  
DAVE: oh hell no this is different this is my two human year anniversary gift for karkat  
DAVE: check it out  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DIRK: Did you...  
DIRK: Did you paste your own text over Rose’s?  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: That’s incredible.  
DAVE: i mean its pretty cool i guess it was a fun present  
DIRK: No, I mean,  
DIRK: I did the exact same thing.  
DAVE: oh shit for real  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: with grownup roses book holy shit that thing is like a thousand pages  
DIRK: No, it was called _Pony Pals._  
DAVE: what the fuck is that  
DIRK: Just some insipid children’s book.  
DIRK: You know, feather soft YA lit geared toward kids with an inexplicable, uncomfortable fascination with horses.  
DAVE: dude werent you exactly one of those kids  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: nevermind keep goin so you did this with that book  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: thats awesome its like  
DAVE: a universal strider constant  
DIRK: That is pretty awesome.  
DAVE: can i see it do you have it  
DIRK: No, Jane’s got it.  
DAVE: ah shit  
DIRK: Or at least...  
DIRK: She had it last.  
DIRK: I don’t know if it made the journey to this universe or not.  
DAVE: fuck  
DIRK: There’s a very real possibility Jane dropped it from her sylladex to make room for something important.  
DIRK: Like an interesting rock.  
DIRK: Or a nondescript rock.  
DIRK: God, I hope that’s what she did.  
DIRK: Honestly literally any thing would have taken up that space better.  
DAVE: what why this thing sounds cool as hell  
DIRK: Yeah, I mean the idea was cool, definitely.  
DIRK: But the end product?  
DIRK: Jesus.  
DIRK: I... kind of can’t believe I actually gave that thing to Jane in the end.  
DAVE: why did you  
DIRK: It was a birthday gift.  
DIRK: God damn I hope she doesn't still have it.  
DAVE: whats wrong with it  
DIRK: It’s just... incredibly overwrought and miserable.  
DIRK: It’s antagonizingly flippant until it’s not, and then it’s the worst kind of indulgent self-flagellation.  
DIRK: Neither of which exactly makes for a riveting birthday read.  
DAVE: im sure its not that bad dude  
DIRK: Oh no, it is.  
DIRK: My only solace is that it’s _so_ fucking dense, Jane probably never actually managed to force herself to read it all.  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: I mean, she told me she did, but she also told me she liked it, and I’m pretty fucking sure those two things are mutually exclusive.  
DAVE: shit man  
DIRK: Eh, whatever.  
DIRK: I’m sure it got dropped into a volcano by now.  
DIRK: Or buried under millennia of ocean.  
DIRK: Something merciful.  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: What’s yours about?  
DAVE: um look im not gonna lie i feel kind of like an asshole showing you this now  
DAVE: i dont think mines like psychologically revealing or tortured or anything  
DAVE: like at a certain point in karkats and my relationship i could definitely see the potential  
DAVE: but we were already hot and heavy when i wrote this this was just a few months ago  
DAVE: maybe in like ten years ill look back on this thing and be like jesus shit dave you were so into pasta its all over this damn thing this book is dripping in noodles how could you possibly not see it you were living such a lie dude  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: but yeah obviously the point is i dont think thats the case  
DAVE: its mostly just funny  
DAVE: ...shit  
DIRK: No, please, show me.  
DIRK: Believe it or not I was also just going for funny when I started mine.  
DIRK: I’d love to see someone actually do it right.  
DAVE: haha i dont know about right it was actually kind of a dick move on my part  
DAVE: karkat was pretty pissed at first  
DIRK: Why?  
DAVE: cuz in order to make this i had to deface his precious copy  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DAVE: tho mostly i think he was just embarrassed  
DAVE: because “officially” he didnt have it  
DIRK: Really?  
DAVE: haha yeah supposedly he threw it out but come on  
DAVE: the dude cant keep a secret and even if he could...  
DAVE: come on  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: he wound up lovin it tho and were all good cuz he for sure just got rose to print him another copy of the original  
DAVE: that one doesnt “officially” exist either obviously  
DAVE: were livin in the north korea of weird unsettling smut  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: but whatever i dont care anymore  
DAVE: you can only be jealous of your wizard self for so long before you realize that is actually literally an insane thing to be  
DAVE: once you get to that level of enlightenment you can just go on with your life make some killer anniversary gifts in the process  
DIRK: That sounds really peaceful.  
DAVE: hell yeah it is im the king of bein at peace with myself i fuckin made nirvana my bitch  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: dude could you maybe promise youll never ask karkat or rose to see the original  
DAVE: you reading that is  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: definitely not something either of us needs to be a thing thats happened you know  
DIRK: Oh yeah.  
DIRK: I can respect that, don’t worry.  
DAVE: thanks dude  
DIRK: Although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little curious to see the weird smut one of my kids wrote about the other.  
DAVE: oh my GOD when you put it like that its a thousand times weirder  
DAVE: whyd you have to go and do that  
DIRK: I mean...  
DAVE: eugh  
DIRK: Sorry man, I’m just callin’ it like I see it.  
DAVE: no thats totally fair you called it right  
DAVE: ug  
DAVE: well whatever lets break out a palate cleanser i mean this version here thats not only safe but also dope as hell  
DAVE: check it out  


_It was a night that was, by copious accounts, ~~dark~~ totally bitchin. By fewer accounts was it ~~stormy~~ an illuminati plot, and that account could likely be accredited exclusively to Old ~~Hawkenshire~~ drunkass mcgee, who had ~~dipped~~ passed out in ~~to~~ a crystalline basin of ~~dandelion wine~~ straight rubbing alcohol ~~a tad early.~~ at 10am that fucker had a serious problem The ~~ornately~~ incredibly shittily wrought ~~porringer~~ bowl youre allowed to just say bowl its fine the vocab police arent coming in question was situated between two many- ~~tiered~~ teared ~~pedestals~~ ferrets, upon which multitudinous ~~confections~~ sorrows weighed, from the ~~farthest corners~~ socioeconomic disparity of the known Kingdoms ~~and adjacent Shadowlands~~ to the shitty working conditions of the bakery all these gross cakes had been sourced ~~.~~ from  
_

_Upon the wall behind the ~~table~~ rodents-  
_

DAVE: wait actually we can just skip the first two pages  
DAVE: its all about how god damn decked out this ballroom is its not bad but there wasnt as much to work with  
DAVE: also it was before i figured out i could just print out and glue in my own words i got on more of a roll then  
DIRK: Ha!  
DAVE: ok yeah heres the good shit  
DIRK: Okay.  
DAVE: here we go start at “suddenly through the”  
DIRK: Got it.  


_Suddenly through the ben stillers face-shaped doors, on a gust of summer breeze, in a cacophonous act of restillerstration that belied a deep dish chicago style pizza, burst a wizard hitherto unseen in the realm of zoolanderopolis, though he had certainly been leaving yelp reviews like nobodys business  
_

_He was like 5’8” with shoes on and with an untamed tangella in his pokeball but he was gonna train that fucker and be the very best like no one ever was. As he alighted on the parquet the mouth of his face split into a second smaller mouth that was incredibly fucking creepy and thrummed with the promise to avenge its father which i guess was like a third old dude mouth  
_

_And sure enough: “I’M KARKAGIAN!!!!” he ate chinese food obstreperously, seemingly from no region of china in particular, though the onslaught of lo mein roared up the walls, collided with the chow mein on the ceiling, and thundered back down into the room with all the torrential force of a whole mess of noodles, causing all present to clap their hands over their ears in fear that the noodles would crawl in and control their brains like those slugs in the animorphs.  
_

_“ ‘Tis I, Brumblesnatch” announced the cool as shit, classically handsome, fly-as-all-hell-bespectacled wizard on his arm.  
“Dare we not, good confidants, fall into complacency this night. Lest we forget, the crux of this jubilee need not heedlessly adhere to its trappings. It falls upon all and sundry to shun that siren song.”  
_

DIRK: She actually had you talking like yourself here, didn’t she?  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DIRK: And you replaced it with your own even more florid dialogue.  
DAVE: exactly  
DIRK: Nice.  
DAVE: i mean it was pretty much the obvious move  
DIRK: Nothin’ wrong with that.  
DIRK: Sometimes the obvious move is obvious because it’s right.  
DAVE: wow uh thanks  
DIRK: I’m serious.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok lets just keep goin  


_Karkagian stirred as the spit that carried brumblesnatch’s pronouncement got all up in the hairs at the nape of his neck, much like the phlegm that pretty much smothers the loogie drenched heads of street urchins on chimney sweep avenue beneath the beating wings of even more soot covered scamps as they embark on their sickly hobbling to the cockney breeding grounds of olde londone towne. _

_Karkagian turned full to face brumblesnatch, the hasbros Bop It! of desire that forever seethed in his hasbro sponsored loins building steadily to an only $14.99 blaze that has been brought to you by hasbro purveyor of fine childrens toys both educational and fun, the president benjamin e m stiller inaugural Ball be damned.  
_

_“THE president benjamin e m stiller inaugural BALL BE DAMNED,” Karkagian hissed breathily to brumblesnatch, in what presumably in his mind he conceived as hella sexy, but was tbh also pretty spitty. brumblesnatch and karkagian were balls deep in a contest to see who could suck on a jawbreaker the longest it might not come up again but you gotta picture it for the whole chapter theyre constantly talking around these absolutely huge disgusting slobbery candies dont forget it thats never gonna stop being a thing thats happening  
_

_Somehow brumblesnatch did not seem to mind this enormous &$%#*!&^&**%##$%, however, as he tightly grasped Karkagian’s &**%@ in both @!!@& and, in a daring act of de-re-stillerstration, pulled him back through the stiller door where you can go out his mouth eyes or left nostril your choice, where the gentle celestial &^^&*@@! of the moon’s cock cast a stark juxtaposition to the fiery jawbreaker spit that surged between the two. its still a thing thats happening  
_

_Without preamble Karkagian thrust brumblesnatch against the wall, his back digging sharply into the fuck alliteration clematis vines winding their seriously fuck it up a tremendous triceratops. brumblesnatch scarcely scarfed, however, instead focused fuckedly on the breakfastclubesque breaths that escaped Karkagian’s mouth as he ran, simultaneously, the pad thai up the twitching yet firm muscles of his rap superstars biceps, and his udon over the bow of his lips which, after _very_ little ramen, parted tremulously to clear the path for chowing the fuck down on some delicious noodles.  
_

_brumblesnatch slid his fingers down to that spot-  
_

DAVE: WAIT!!!  
DIRK: Whoa.  
DAVE: STOP READING!  
DIRK: It’s cool, I stopped.  
DAVE: oh fuck fuck fuck  
DAVE: son of a dick  
DIRK: You okay?  
DAVE: yeah its just  
DAVE: oooookay i forgot about this part  
DAVE: this is where i actually kind of  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: rewrote roses shit to be even more  
DAVE: cough  
DAVE: over the top pornographic than what she did  
DIRK: Oh yeah, ironically.  
DAVE: haha yeahhhh  
DIRK: That’s really good.  
DAVE: thanks thats nice to hear and all but uh  
DAVE: jesus christ you dont need to see that can we skip that part  
DIRK: Oh, absolutely.  
DAVE: hooo boy  
DIRK: Here.  
DIRK: Just.  
DIRK: Find me the part where the sexy shit ends.  
DAVE: uhhhhhh  
DIRK: Lotta pages...  
DAVE: oh shut the fuck up man its one  
DIRK: Hey, no judgment here whatsoever.  
DAVE: sure there is dude theres plenty its just all comin from me  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: here ok  
DAVE: uhhhh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: im like  
DAVE: 90 percent sure were safe from here on out  
DIRK: Don’t worry.  
DIRK: If I see any suspiciously red smut I’ll stop to clarify.  
DAVE: thanks man  
DIRK: Of course.  


_“WOULD THAT I COULD drop it like its hot, MY DARLING!” Karkagian tried to impersonate snoop into brumblesnatch’s face. In the distance, several hundred birds thought it was an ok impression but was missing that amazing fuckin laid back chillness the dude himself exuded out of every goddamn pore and therefore gave it a 7 outta 10.  
_

_brumblesnatch , however, did not so much as give a fuck, his own eardrums already having heard karkagian pull this shit so many times he couldnt goddamn listen to R&G (Rhythm & Gangsta): The Masterpiece in peace anymore without fucking laughing thanks a lot.  
_

_“ Verily” brumblesnatch replied. “And yet, we are not gathered here this night to laud the oeuvre of Snoop d-o-double-g, worthy though those works are. ‘Tis for the inauguration of our new reigning sovereign, Benjamin Edward Meara Stiller, son of Jerry, that we are gathered this night to celebrate, thus ushering in a new age of bounty and fair treatment of all wizard folk. I fear, as I did mention once before, that we as a people begin to grow... complacent.”  
_

_Sensing that a fucking awesome monologue was beginning to wash sensuously over him, much as a traveler lost in the ectobiology lab, passing the night in the embrace of those fucking chess cronenbergs, senses the incremental affection and understanding that may, by the time he wakes, have blossomed into the special kind of love that can only exist between a man and a dead monster test tube baby her names charlene its the real deal the weddings this saturday were registered at crate and barrel and long john silvers, Karkagian sought to silence brumblesnatch by grasping in each side of his mouth a portion of his ruffled, powder blue satin blouse and wrenching them apart, but this didnt do shit because that plan makes no sense and also because of that fucking jawbreaker.  
_

_The ploy really fucking sucked, brumblesnatch’s lengthy harangue decaying forthwith on his tongue as he realized what a stupid ass ploy that was, and a quivering, primal sound rumbled in his ass, yeah its a fart joke we gotta do one for the kids. It was not his mother tongue, cuz to reiterate it was fart thats the whole joke. For how fluently he could speak italian and was able to start naming a whole mess of other noodles to go with the theme we clearly got goin here.  
_

_Another such fettuccine wrenched its way from behind brumblesnatch’s quavering lips as rigatoni pressed fusili, ever so gently, upon the bare tracts of linguine, creating a pale palimpsest of penne on the flushed tortellini of his spaghetti did you seriously think i was gonna forget spaghetti this isnt fuckin amateur hour here god damn  
_

_brumblesnatch dropped to his knees and-  
_

DAVE: STOP!  
DIRK: More real porn, huh?  
DAVE: god FUCKING dammit how much of this shit did i write  
DIRK: Damn, dude.  
DAVE: ugh this is the worst  
DAVE: here gimme i gotta skip ahead do some reconnaissance  
DIRK: Take your time.  
DAVE: maybe i should make a family friendly version for when we got company huh  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: son of a fucking bitch  



	2. Chapter 2

DAVE: ok this parts good this is where the plot really starts to kick in  
DIRK: There’s a plot?  
DAVE: hell yeah theres a plot we got everything here theres intrigue adventure murder  
DIRK: Murder?  
DAVE: shit yes theres murder  
DIRK: Well god damn.  
DAVE: fuck maybe i should have just let you get to that naturally oh well whatever its not a huge spoiler it happens pretty fast  
DAVE: here start at the top of this page  
DIRK: Okay.  


_and thats when mother fuckin ben stiller showed up on the scene.  
_

_“ At long last is our presence graced with the man of the hour!” brumblesnatch keened. “Forsooth, he is upon us!”  
_

_As we all know b still had a visage that could make a grown man cry and shit himself concurrently. He stroked those weirdly gaunt cheekbones with the phalanges of his fingers thats right each finger had ten tiny little fingers coming off it and they were all ring fingers He sucked in a deep breath and let it out with all the passion and prurience of a dude who just noticed two paramours fucking against a trellis like 5 feet away from him.  
_

_“ those guys are seriously goin at it huh” stiller vociferated gruffly as he leaned over to his date and heart’s desire owen wilson. “god damn.”  
_

_Karkagian thrust his hand up to say hey to the 2 pillars of early to mid 2000s comedy. His turgid greeting just kinda freaked them out to an even more bounteous extent that exceeded what they felt like they should have to put up with at such a fancy fuckin shindig. This breach of the rules of common decency stoked the flames of their avidity to get the fuck inside and scope out the buffet spread that was probably pretty choice.  
_

_“i need some pigs in the blanket inside me,” gasped owen wilson through that weird fucking nose that looks like somebody squeezed him with a pair of tongs precisely in the middle.  
_

_“ word,” stiller murmured. He could already taste those hot dogs with the crescent rolls swaddled around them like an elysian blessing from the pillsbury dough boy himself. “DO YOU cut the hot dog IN half when YOU make them or do you use the ENTIRE thing?”  
_

_“ im a whole dog guy myself,” wilson heaved, lost in delectation. “cmon lets check it out.”  
_

_Clenching unflinchingly to their knapsacks, ben and owen began to drive through the enraptured crowd that was literally just standing around watching these two wizards bang. But when they got closer to the front door shaped like stillers own gnarly face, they perceived something that seriously freaked them the fuck out  
_

_It was a god damn mother fucking torso with some limbs and a head diffused all over the damn place. and those dismembered parts belonged to none other than their erstwhile costar of the silver screen vince vaughn.  
_

DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: Vince Vaughn never stood a chance.  
DAVE: chills right  
DIRK: Mother fucking chills.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! I’m back! I probably won't stick to my old whirlwind pace, but I'm still here. And apparently I've decided _this_ is the story I need to tell...

_Languorously yet decisively, stiller inched his hand over vince vaughns eyes that were gazing fixedly at pretty much nothing the dude was just a head. He moved incrementally, for he was loath to get anywhere near the skeevy ass thing tbh he was sort of violently puking everywhere. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, he seated himself in his own puddle of vomit, never taking his eyes off vaughn’s face, with that nose thats way too small for the rest of his head you know its true, scrutinizing for the slightest paroxysm, the scantest hint of rapture toppling over into pain, but vv wasnt paroxying shit his heart was a good 20 feet away dude was about as dead as the centuries-vacant Temple of the Silent. _  


_owen wilson respired raggedly, the del taco he ate for lunch convulsing tempestuously in his stomach as he also puked goddamn everywhere. the big inaugural ball was shapin up to be hella nasty._  


_“i can t believe you puked on me,” stiller susurrated, in a snuggie the softness of which rivaled the 3 other snuggies hed blown through that month. everybody knows stiller relaxes hard as a motherfucker. “please, stay the fuck away from me bro. i need to get this goddamn half digested guac off me.”_  


_“I’LL DO you one better here take this, MY DARLING,” wilson crooned as, with all the delicacy of a delicacy (the pastry kind), he whipped out a handful of wet wipes and slapped them, reverently, upon stiller‘s countenance. “I stole this shit from del taco,” he murmured squelchingly into the lobe of his costars ear._  


_“i dont think you can steal these things,” stiller intoned, grappling wilson closer with both of his grappling hooks thats right one in each hand baby. “pretty sure theyre free theyre just out there with the straws and forks seriously have you ever been to a fast food place?”_  


_“ dude DO YOU WANT these wet wipes or not?” o dubs stammered, nigh overcome with taco vomit._  


_“god yes!” stil-dawg warbled, much like a bird or some shit probably. “clean me the fuck up!”_  


DAVE: ...  
DAVE: is it weird that youre reading this do you think  
DIRK: Why would this be weird?  
DIRK: This is just two good bros and A-list comedians mourning their fallen comrade the only way they know how...  
DIRK: Arguing about wet wipes.  
DAVE: yes  
DIRK: It’s a clear deflection in the face of grief.  
DAVE: ok *yes*  
DIRK: Even as they stew in its very physical manifestation.  
DAVE: yeah thats exactly what its supposed to be thats so good to hear from you honestly  
DAVE: this guy gets it  
DIRK: I can’t see any other interpretation.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Hell yeah.  
DIRK: I _am_ curious to get down the actual murder mystery aspect, though.  
DAVE: oh dude dont even worry its comin right up its a wild ride  
DIRK: Awesome.  



	4. Chapter 4

_Tenderly, benevolently, moistly, wilson commenced rocking out to his custom made wet wipe cleanup mix volume 7. “this playlist is SO EXQUISITE,” he sibilated into the hook of break ya neck by busta rhymes. “I CAN’T believe im still killin it LIKE THIS.”_  


_“just keep wiping me off,” stiller wailed, the diction of his declaration marred by wilson shoving a wet wipe in his mouth for no good reason, in a manner reminiscent of the pilgrims to the Oracle at Laandgraansen who, after ages of peregrination, would find themselves rendered mute in the dulcet ecstasy of the augur’s presence. it was exactly like that but with wet wipes and early 2000s rap you know how it is_  


_Forthwith, wet wipe met face, and with tacit accord conveyed purely through a profound understanding devised over eons of broing out hardcore, our heroes acquiesced to pick up the pace and solve this god damn murder mystery thats what were all here for after all._  


_To the east, ensconced within the towering edifice, the Balroundian String Quartet struck up the first chord of the evening: it was, of course, a waltz. Westerly, waves clattered and pealed against the waterside, eroding away the strand in minute increments, but with all the cacophony of the Port Ashburford Dirigible Terminus, as if to conduct, to any who knew how to listen, that even the most trifling of transmutations may yield commodious effect. To the north, an infant bramblefowl chirruped in its nest, greedy for sustenance and dotage. In the south, all was silence. ok i actually kind of like this part dont tell rose she can never know_  


_And yet to our two nonpareils of zoolander caliber comedy, the air was entirely denuded of sound, save for the slick, sheer sizzle of flesh on flesh, and the syncopated hums and huffs of exertion and decadence coming from those two wizards who were still banging each other on the other side of the veranda even though a man was dead seriously cmon read the room. also they could hear wilsons playlist which was on my immortal by evanescence now this is roses story after all you think youre not gonna be hearing that song at some point._  


_Then all of the sudden, into this din of  overblown goth rock and sweet love making there arose a single question. who the fuck killed vince vaughn?_  


DAVE: sorry guess were not at the real mystery yet damn i forgot how much i put into setting the scene here  
DIRK: Don't apologize. This is great.  
DIRK: I feel like I'm there.  
DAVE: yeah you can really smell the wet wipes huh  
DIRK: That acerbic, lemony zest has taken firm hold in my sinuses, and it's not letting go any time soon.  
DAVE: oh yeah my words are so vivid they can affect your sinuses huh  
DIRK: Well if we're being technical, it's probably more the sinuses of my mind.  
DAVE: the sinuses of the mind i love it  
DIRK: That should be in the blurb on the back of the book.  
DAVE: holy shit yes youre absolutely writing a blurb for this thing thats perfect  
DIRK: I'd be honored.  
DAVE: hell yeah  
DIRK: I should probably finish reading it first, though.  
DAVE: right right keep goin were in the thick of it now were deep in the shit  



	5. Chapter 5

_“I CANNOT believe we havent solved this mystery yet!” stiller ululated. “I AM GOING TO look for clues.”_  


_“please,” soughed wilson, hands scrabbling around in the dirt and empty wet wipe wrappers. “come on over here i think i see something mad suspect.”_  


_“I’M COMING!” stilldawg bawled. He moseyed over and took a look at where wilson was pointing. Eyes blown wide in clue assessment mode, all the sinews of his chassis held taut as he pumped his fist in the air at this super fucking good clue just chilling right there on the ground like it wasnt no thing._  


_Like a catechumen to the Faith of the Forgotten, imbibing enlightenment like a wanderer in the Sands of Saskian imbibes the sparkling springs of the Oases of Oaeanguille, wilson ignored the shit out of that clusterfuck of alliteration and gazed in rapt reverie upon the super bloody knife that was just lying around. Gingerly, he frisked his fingers across what was so obviously a murder weapon he just smeared his grubby lil paws all over it. you think these wizards got something as useful and basic as fucking fingerprints hell no its just like harry potter where they got ten spells to turn your hair green but nobodys heard of a car wizards are a god damn embarrassment._  


_“ oh shit this is perfect,” stiller susurrated, scarcely daring to punctuate the profundity of the shared clue finding extravaganza with words, yet imbued with a soul-deep obligation to fill this paragraph out. He had not yet gotten his filthy mitts all over the knife, and yet for this fleeting moment which, for all he cared, could stretch on until the cows of S’Rawh’lia, their curtailed perception of the passage of time rendering their lifespans nigh-on-limitless, came home, he was content simply to watch o dubs totally fuck up the crime scene while he did some actual honest to god sherlocking up in here. “dont you think this knife looks mad familiar,” he sleuthed placatingly. “i want to say i saw it on the set of starsky and hutch do you think you can remember seeing it there i just want to feel like were on the same page with this clue finding biz you get me?”_  


_“OF COURSE, MY BELOVED,” owen wilson crooned. Slowly, ever so incrementally, slower even than the amount of time it must have taken rose to come up with all these bullshit similes oh my god, his awareness settled dreamily back into his sense of self, like so much ass, in the moments after a thunderous volcanic eruption, drifts silently down to smother the ground below. thats actually pretty good i feel bad about the ass joke now. “I WOULD see that knife INSIDE the craft services tent all the damn TIME. It BELONGs to snoop dogg.”_  


DIRK: Oh snap.  
DAVE: i know right what a twist  
DIRK: Twist of the fuckin’ century.  
DAVE: i mean ok i donno if its like the biggest twist ever  
DAVE: all four of em were in starsky and hutch in 04 then wilson and vaughn just took the fuck off the next year to be in the wedding crashers and actually earn a modicum of respect from critics  
DAVE: is it hard to imagine thered be some bad blood there i dont think so  
DIRK: Hmmm.  
DAVE: fuck sorry wait im getting ahead of myself  
DAVE: were not even done yet what the fuck are we doing  
DAVE: we shouldnt be gettin into authorial intent yet or maybe ever  
DAVE: isnt the author dead anyway  
DIRK: Depends on who you ask.  
DAVE: right well anyway i prolly shouldnt be spoiling anything this is supposed to be a suspenseful moment  
DIRK: Oh, it’s definitely suspenseful.  
DAVE: phew ok good  
DIRK: I was more musing on the fact that in my timeline, those years you mentioned were pretty fucking pivotal in those actors’ careers.  
DIRK: But not because someone apparently saw fit to cast Snoop Dogg in a remake of _Starsky & Hutch._  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: youre talking about  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DIRK: Let’s see... 2004...  
DIRK: That was the year sbahaj the movle came out.  
DAVE: holy shit  
DIRK: Oddly enough, it sounds like it had the same cast.  
DIRK: Maybe Wilson, Stiller, Vaughn and Snoop were just cosmically destined to work together that year.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: You okay?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: oh yeah i uh im fine  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: god damn you know  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: Yeah, I think I do know.  
DAVE: well shit now it feels dumb reading this its like  
DAVE: the work of a lesser dave you know  
DAVE: do you even still wanna  
DIRK: Oh shit, of course I still wanna.  
DIRK: I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you were the Lesser Dave.  
DIRK: That wasn’t my intention at all.  
DAVE: yeah of course youre good man  
DIRK: If anything, this is, like, a secret trove of never-before-seen Dave originals.  
DAVE: oh yeah like i died and they were cleanin out my office  
DAVE: and oh shit whats that all squirreled away in the bottom drawer of the desk its a nasty old unpublished manuscript  
DIRK: Exactly.  
DAVE: yeah theyre gonna buff it up slap my name on it call it daves final lost work  
DIRK: It’ll make a killing.  
DAVE: oh for sure especially when it gets around all it is is a weird sexy whodunit starring me  
DIRK: I genuinely don’t see how anyone could resist that.  
DAVE: ahaha  
DAVE: oh shit but if im dead rose is gonna get all the royalties isnt she shes the one who wrote half of this garbage anyway  
DAVE: man i dont want her gettin rich offa this  
DIRK: Don’t worry, I’ll get it on lock for you.  
DAVE: yeah?  
DIRK: Definitely. I think citing timeline shenanigans, we can easily establish me as your closest living relative, and therefore the executor of your estate.  
DAVE: aw thanks man  
DIRK: Of course.  
DAVE: gotta set up a trust fund for all those future generations  
DAVE: make sure they know their college education got funded by a story bout their wizard grandpas doin the nasty on a trellis  
DIRK: Every kid’s dream.  
DAVE: hell yeah  
DIRK: Should we keep going?  
DAVE: yeah i mean if you wanna sure  
DIRK: Definitely.  
DIRK: I need to hear Snoop’s side of this story before I make any judgments.  
DAVE: ok fair  



	6. Chapter 6

_For a moment, the duration of which is lost to the sands of time but lets be honest was prolly like 30 seconds tops, wilson and stiller gazed fathomlessly into each other’s eyes and, as though there were no impediment at all between one conjunction and the other, into each other’s souls. Naturally this was to say nothing of their baser, yet nevertheless still gravely consummate conjointment, namely the fact that they just blew this case the fuck open._  


_“I COULD have gotten away with it,” breathed a mystery guest in a voice so god damn fuckin smooth its no mystery at all cmon we all know who it is. “AND YET YOU HAVE NOT YET ATTAINED a motive, THEREFORE I came back to explain myself.” Tenderly, snoop dogg (obviously its snoop cmon) unseated himself from the little blinged out folding camp stool he always brings with him everywhere, causing his accusers to writhe with equal parts curiosity and pantsshitting terror, much like the kids at the end of a scooby doo episode but instead of fuckin old man jenkins in a latex mask its the certified granddaddy of big pimpin himself and he may very well kill again oh shit._  


_“can you explain what the fuck is goin on here preferably using your mouth?” wilson mewled, gazing imploringly upon snoop, who was already like three sentences into a semaphore explanation that literally nobody was gonna be able to understand. snoops face seared with the sheepish realization that his extensive knowledge of the pulchritudinous language of flags was a hundred percent useless here._  


_“MY bad,” snoop purred. “NOTHING WOULD PLEASE ME MORE THAN TO tell you why i straight up disMEMBERED vince vaughn and threw his big giant among men limbs around UNTIL they were scattered ALL OVER the plACE.”_  


_Benevolently and beatifically taking the head of his former costar into his hands, snoop hummed with gratification at the ambrosial flavor of sweet sweet revenge. He explained to everybody at length the bitterness he felt when starsky and hutch didnt get a sequel, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes and a big old sob coming up out of the extremity of his throat. He perceived, on the set of that at best pretty ok movie, a juncture of both time and body that was both precious and recherché, as if the very moment he glissaded into that 70s pimp costume, he literally became the iconic character huggy bear brown._  


_“oh god,” wilson gasped, tangling his digits in snoops luxurious raven locks. “you never told me how much that movie meant to you,” he whispered, caught somewhere between guilt and embarrassment at how deftly he and vaughn had taken the fuck off to be in the way more successful movie wedding crashers. He did not bring up how snoop recorded the total banger drop it like its hot that very same year, loath as he was to say he always thought of him as a rapper who acted not an actor who rapped you know, opting instead to allow what was clearly some kind of momentous moment to play out._  


_snoop lingeringly elevated his head until his level gaze fixed yearningly on wilsons visage, and his embouchment morphed, mightily, like a power ranger, into a sad as all fuck smile. “YOU never asked,” he intoned, soberly._  


_wilson inspired a hitched breath with all the sentiment and rapture of a dude who was drawing his last breath. He was taken by surprise, not at snoops answer, but rather at the knife he apperceived stabbing him right in the back. His pupils, already blown more ample than those of the Panoptically Endowed Falcon of Thressaly, expanded all the more, as he dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes out the back of a hearse basically the dude was dead._  


_“ and now you never will,” affirmed ben. fucking. stiller._  


DIRK: !  
DAVE: i know right  
DIRK: Holy fuck.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Dave.  
DAVE: whats up  
DIRK: I’m loving this.  
DAVE: ahahha yeah?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I don’t even mean that ironically.  
DIRK: Just...  
DIRK: I’m legitimately invested in seeing how this story turns out.  
DAVE: damn dude  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: thanks thats pretty cool of you to say  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I have a theory.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
DIRK: Yes.  
DIRK: About the direction I suspect this might take.  
DAVE: oh shit really  
DAVE: thats amazing  
DAVE: thats exactly what this things been missing its gotta have speculation its gotta have fan theories this is perfect  
DAVE: should we like  
DAVE: start a message board  
DAVE: or a forum or something maybe we should  
DIRK: I don’t know about that.  
DIRK: We’d be the only two involved, and one of us wrote this thing to begin with.  
DAVE: ok i mean sure technically it wouldnt be much of a forum huh it would pretty much just be exactly like us talking right now  
DAVE: but with like  
DAVE: horrible glitchy avatars and insipid bullshit little signatures like “beer is proof that god want’s us to be happy ~~benjamin franklin” that show up every single time we post like even if we just said a single word  
DIRK: Jesus, that’s perfectly horrible.  
DAVE: yeah man i miss forums  
DIRK: Mm.  
DIRK: Well, there’s nothing stopping us from combining our powers to construct the shittiest web forum possible after this.  
DAVE: oh yeah if youre into it id totally be on board for that  
DIRK: I’m into it.  
DAVE: nice  
DIRK: But for expediency’s sake, I think I’m just going to keep reading, and see if my prediction plays out.  
DAVE: ok thats fair i can accept that  
DAVE: guess ill just have to trust you not to cheat and say oh yeah they all turn into zombies yep totally saw that comin from a mile away  
DIRK: Do they all turn into zombies?  
DAVE: nope and thats it thats the last hint youre gonna get  
DIRK: Good.  
DIRK: I don’t want any hints.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Here, I’ll just write down my prediction.  
DAVE: ahaha seriously dude  
DIRK: Seriously.  
DIRK: One second.  
DAVE: k  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: you done or  
DIRK: Almost.  
DAVE: aight  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: are yo-  
DIRK: Done.  
DAVE: sweet ok got your fan theory all secure you got it locked in  
DIRK: It’s so locked in.  
DAVE: awesome lets keep goin  



	7. Chapter 7

_Having unleashed his cold blooded murder into the air, as do the sparrow keepers of the rooftops of Swanhearst who, at the denouement of their lives, relinquish their avian charges into the skies in the hopes that a fraction of their souls, too, will escape into the ether, stiller dropped his knife to the floor of the terrace and recommenced his wet wiping all the more fervently. the dude was covered in jawbreaker spit taco vomit and blood now have you been keeping track this is way past wet wipe territory tbh but hes still trying._  


_“ thanks,” moaned snoop, in a vociferation so breathless even stiller himself could scarcely auscultate it over the swift, rhythmic sloshing of dictionary pages as he looked up the definition of fucking auscultate it means “hear” jfc rose._  


_For several centuries no words endemic to any tongue of sentient being in all Highmidland could pass between stiller and snoop, preoccupied as they were with mopping up owen wilsons blood with a heinously overtaxed wet wipe and exulting in the singular pleasure that comes with knowing your costars always got your back even if you havent been in any flicks together in a while and you had to go deep undercover to even get invited to this party so you could twirl your machete around the head of vince vaughns dumb mug so his heads no longer attached to his throat. Respectively, of course._  


_Could they have pronounced their truest sentiments, they would surely have talked about the years of dangerous liaisons and deep political intrigue that led to this shocking event. Rather, stiller hummed appreciatively and said god damn am i glad i killed that motherfucker._  


_As the wisest of rap gods decree, all things, both good and bad, must come to their rightful conclusion. And this most awkward of silences came to a culmination both sudden and long-sought-after, as our wizardy bro brumblesnatch popped the fuck up to weigh in on the situation._  


_“ At long last,” our brave hero wheezed through teeth clenched tight. “The prophecy has come to pass.” stiller’s entire corpus froze rigid for an interminable instant, then lulled languidly into a plashet of pleasure as he did a big hella exaggerated elmer fudd esque double take and finally recognized this dashing as all hell dude before him._  


_“ hey arent you the guy who was getting railed against a trellis for the past 20 minutes?” stiller finally inquired, voice hoarse as the horses at a horse convention in horsetown usa._  


_“ Verily,” brumblesnatch simpered, powerless to express any more because this paragraphs so short._  


_“ pretty fuckin weird dude,” snoop disclosed. “this terrace IS FULL OF people theres literally a party happening here you know that RIGHT?” As he enunciated, he encinctured his arms around stiller’s trunk, ensorcelling and enchanting him with all the bro-ly support the tenderest of touches may tender._  


_“ Alas, ‘tis not the thrust of our meeting,” bsnatch crooned, eyelids burdened by the heft of their own baller shades. “For we have more pressing matters to which to attend. Namely, President Stiller... your complacency.”_  


DIRK: Oh my god yes.  
DAVE: whats up  
DIRK: Nothing.  
DAVE: ?  
DIRK: Just...  
DIRK: I’m liking where this is going.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
DIRK: _Yeah._  
DIRK: I’m gonna keep reading.  
DAVE: aight cool im not gonna stop you thats what were here for  
DIRK: Mmm.  



	8. Chapter 8

_“DO NOT call me complacent you skeevy ass creep,” stiller mumbled, each nerve in his body, erstwhile lit so afire, now numbed to a dull, leaden weight that inhibited even the most elementary of schools. “YOU CAME to my party just so you could get your rocks off in public. THAT IS SO god damn disrespectful and presumptuous. YOU ARE THE one whos complacent if you ask ME.”_  


snoop dogg fondly snaked his arms further around stillers being, gently carding his fingers through the tacoey mess of salt n pepper tresses. “seriously everybody heres so fucking complacent its like its the central theme of the story or something,” he whispered.  


_“ or LIKE a callback,” brumblesnatch retorted, utterly besotted._  


_“yeah exactly,” snoop professed, the affirmation eliciting a secret smile. He removed his arms from stillers chassis, in favor of heading over to this dope new wizard who obviously understood him better than stiller ever could. As he commenced making his way downtown walking fast faces pass and hes homebound, stiller reached out and stabbed him right in the damn neck._  


DIRK: !  
DAVE: oh yeah total cliffhanger  
DAVE: well not really snoop got stabbed in the neck we know that happened  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: is he gonna be ok  
DIRK: I’m not sure he is.  
DAVE: yeah me neither  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: anything could happen now thats just the kinda story were dealing with here shit can go off the rails at any time  
DAVE: who even knows whats gonna happen in the thrilling conclusion  
DIRK: No one knows, man.  
DAVE: yeah exactly  
DIRK: Damn.  


Stay tuned to see what happens in the thrilling conclusion.  



	9. Chapter 9

_“MY DARLING, I FEAR THERE IS A WAR TWIXT TWO DISPARATE HALVES OF MY BEING, FOR THOUGH MY BODY ASSURES ME IT IS SPENT, MY SOUL YEARNS TO TAKE YOU ONCE AGAIN,” Karkagian purred with all the you have got to be fucking kidding me_ _  
again  
theyre seriously gonna do it again_  


_“oh yeah i could totally do another round,” Dave opined as he god dammit  
you know what nope  
nope nope nope  
i didnt sign up for a whole nother session of this im not doing it_  


_im not dragging my poor bleeding eyes across another bombed out no mans land of nasty smut_ _  
all falling in craters of turgid members  
catching my sweet wwi uniform on the barbed wire of tender caresses and frenetic thrusting  
some dbag with a mustache is telling me i have to go over the top i have to fight this big german gun turret of sensual blow jobs with a flimsy little bayonet for king and country no thanks i just cant do it im deserting  
i dont have it in me fuck that im sorry karkat_  


_fuck it ill just draw some pictures thatll take up more space_ _  
cover up some of this gnarly passionate lovemaking  
its only gotta take up  
oh my god  
6 pages  
jfc rose seriously  
absolutely ridiculous_  


_ok heres an artists rendition of events ill catch you at the fucking pillow talk i guess_  


  


  


  


  


  


  


DIRK: ...  
DAVE: you ok dude  
DIRK: Oh, yeah.  
DIRK: Just...  
DIRK: These pictures are so fucking cool.  
DAVE: aw thanks  
DIRK: Seriously, you should make prints or something.  
DAVE: ahahha you think people are gonna buy these  
DIRK: I would 100 percent buy these.  
DAVE: well shit im not gonna make you pay man ill just draw you some  
DIRK: !  
DAVE: yeah cmon what do you think im gonna make my own flesh and blood shell out the hard earned cash he never actually had to earn for this shit no way  
DAVE: ill just make you your own you can have your very own personalized stiller cheekbones complete with certificate of authenticity  
DAVE: that sounds awesome ok im definitely doing that  
DIRK: Wow.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: That’d be...  
DIRK: Really fucking awesome.  
DAVE: hell yeah  


**Author's Note:**

> This one has required reading:
> 
> [dont get me wrong the plots incomprehensible and the pretenses some of those wizards use to make out are contrived at BEST but just between us ive honestly found myself pretty invested](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23057269/chapters/55148578) by me  
> [Detective Pony](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2427119/chapters/5371283) by sonnetstuck


End file.
